Is Kathleen Happy? Read her blog post to find out.
Kathleen chose to deliver another truth, beautifully written and bravely honest, this is a lovely heartfelt post from this player.
15 March 2015
Am I happy? Why or why not?
(I just realised that I’ve been 28 years old for four months, today. That means I’ve been back in Canada for…seventeen weeks? And it’s been eighteen weeks since I ended my Camino. I feel a bit sad that nothing really feels DIFFERENT).
I am more-or-less happy – and I’m certainly better at being happy than I was at this time three years ago. In the spring of 2012, I cried almost every day, was convinced that I had no friends, worked at a job that made me miserable, beat myself up with guilt, and woke up most days feeling nauseous. If my past self saw me now, I hope that she’d be surprised and proud of the difference in my mood and my outlook.
In spite of knowing how far I've come, I still have lots of ideas concerning what would improve my life. The usual: having a partner, losing weight, not needing to worry about money, getting recognition for my creative outlets. Yet I do have many things in my life that make me happy. And most of what makes me unhappy is worrying – worrying about how I compare to other people, worrying that I won’t get the promotion I’m after/will fail out of school/will alienate the people around me, although I care about them/won’t ever amount to anything. It’s all in my head. On the Camino, though, I spent a lot of time living in my own head, and that was great! It also got better once I got out of the habit of negatively comparing myself to others. I wasn’t happy all the time, but I had a general sense of contentment.
I’d say that my life here at home is the same in that there’s a general sense of contentment, though the highs seem less joyful and the lows a bit more frequent - I have an acceptance that this is How Things Are. I’m far from perfect, but I have a good sense of my goals and where I want to be (owning a condo doesn’t appeal to me at all, I’d rather take that money and travel to a new country every year). I know what brings me closer to contentment – a chat with a close friend, a long walk through a lovely neighbourhood, cooking, daydreaming on the back of the bus. I live where I do because I have built a life for myself in a place I thought I’d like living in. It’s a process – building something to be proud of. Happiness is a process, too – not every day sees me take strides towards contentment, but I do think that my life in the past three years has taken me further in that direction than I thought was possible.